Four Reasons Aliens Won’t Land Here 👽

Five, if you count our solar system’s reviews: only one star.

Christopher Holdroyd
4 min readAug 6, 2021

Images by PixaBay: Space ship and earth.

II dream about space but not extraterrestrials. They're not landing here. Not ever.

Oh sure, they’ve passed by a few times, hovering and frightening the bejeezus out of primitives. I imagine a low and slow pass over a native village scattering people who ran for their lives. One alien would say to the other, “Look Blob! We’re the genesis of a new religion!”

But here’s the thing, if aliens can master lightspeed - the only logical method of bridging galaxies - they must be highly advanced. Like Elon Musk’s great, great, great-grandchildren kind of thing. So ask yourself, what would evolved space travelers from Gamma Quadrant want with us? The answer is obvious… zip, nada, and bugger-all.

Now, I’m sure you’ve heard the stories about alien abductions and how they, you know, probe us humans where the sun doesn’t shine. (That’s the bugger-all part.) I am deeply sorry for those people, but I’m certain their coping mechanisms triggered a defense narrative originating from inappropriate touching of the ‘terrestrial’ kind.

Besides, odds are aliens won’t look like humans, so why would they be sexually attracted to us? Do you have carnal thoughts about hummingbirds? Don’t answer that! So aside from, ‘Close Encounters With The Third Grade,’ why would they touch down there… or touchdown here for that matter? Here are four reasons they won’t:

1. The risk of viral exposure.

Encountering homo sapiens is more than probe-lematic. The challenge of inner-species viral contamination is a feverish one. A real arm, leg, and head-scratcher! Every good Space Jockey knows the ‘Quarantine Protocols.’ A placard directly above the Plasma Accelerator states unequivocally, “If a crew member is physically exposed to an outside lifeform, they must be vaporized immediately AND NOT be permitted to return to the ship.”

This reminds me of my mom who quarantined my steamer trunk for 40 days after I returned from summer camp. Apparently, she was still a tad sensitive after discovering two Garter snakes I transported home the previous year… oh, I forgot the lizards.

Christopher Holdroyd

I seek truth-tellers. When I find liars instead, usually politicians, the joke’s on them.